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Riding the Marx Rails, Streamlined Style
by Richard Getty

IP Newswire: Girard and Oak Park Railroad CEO, Rich Getty, today offered this explanation to the assembled stockholders and protesters following the company's second annual meeting: "All of our reports and financial statements are reviewed in accordance with commonly accepted accounting principals." Apparently considering this to be an inflamatory remark in today's business climate, the crowd shouted down Getty's subsequent remarks, causing him to eventually give up and retreat to the safety of the company car in a train leaving from Oak Park station.

The short run to Girard allowed Getty to retrieve his composure, so he was able to continue from his table at Queen's Diner: "Of course last year's report showed a 100% increase in traffic over the previous year - it was our first year of operation! How can we be expected to beat an increase of 100% every year!? What are those people on The Street thinking? I'm not going to apologize for the company's stock price, heck, I'll buy up every share I can find at these prices! Here's insider information for everybody - this railroad will be operating next year, and we will have additional online shippers!"

Getty was referring to the fact that the seasonal shutdown is expected to happen any day now, with the entire layout disassembled, turned on its side, and stored against the garage wall. His optimism regarding the future was generated by the results of operations described in the Annual Report.

The Motive Power and Equipment department reported substantial increases in cars and engines available for service, some of which received major overhauls to save them from the scrap heap. Use of inexpensive equipment is expected to lead to profitability someday.

The Maintenace of Way department reported that increased use of overtime by track crews has not resulted in any additional miles of track, but the existing track has become more perfectly aligned, thereby decreasing derailments, lost time accidents, and insurance claims by passengers and shippers. Decreased insurance claims and legal fees might lead to profitability in the future.

The Chief Financial Officer reports that the company has still managed to avoid audit by any reputable authority, and this has held down the potential for costly litigation or disruption of operations. A closely held subsidiary company, RMG Associates, was formed during the year to develop real estate held by the company according to community needs, and to increase traffic on the road. Unfortunately, their highly successful efforts at bringing business and residential investment to the communities served by the railroad have resulted in several investigations by State agencies regulating growth and environmental laws. The explosion of development has also caught the attention of private special interest groups, leading to protests such as the one at today's annual meeting. The firm has resolutely denied all allegations by outside groups of any improper involvement of criminal elements or off-shore investment cartels. CFO, Rich Getty, stated "I WISH we could get outside investment here! And we do NOT plan on dumping our debt on RMG associates immediately after their IPO! If you have any more questions, you'll have to speak to my lawyer. He should be back from the Caymans in the Spring."

Director of Public Affairs, Rich Getty, was quick to add "Our future looks pretty bright. The company has purchased a second-hand crane to be installed over the back track at Oak Park, converting it into an industrial spur. The commuter train will then tie up for the night in Girard. We expect the I&E bargaining with the union over this change to be concluded before the resumption of operations next Spring, hopefully. Other improvements such as grade crossing signals and streets should help to smooth relations with the communities served by the railroad."

GOP stock closed unchanged today due to the lack of any trading in the issue.

Further information is available on the company's website:

News bulletins regarding the company have been available on Yahoo at:

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